July 22, 2009
We just can’t seem to talk about little man. Every time I mention that I want to spend a whole weekend, Friday evening, all day Saturday and all day Sunday with him, he gets pissed. “It’s not all about me”… I understand this. HOWEVER I am here and I am in this relationship too. I would love for him to show that he wants weekends with me. He used to. He used to get pissed that we didn’t get to spend quality “us” time. When I try to say anything about it now, he gets pissed. I hate this shit. I want to be able to talk to him about this. I need to be able to talk to him about this. We aren’t going to get very far with me not being able to express myself without him making the assumption that I’m only thinking of me. I need us time. I need him. I need to be able to lean on him and tell him where I’m coming from! When does it get easier? When am I going to be in this family? Why does this have to be so fucking hard? Where do I fit into this? Am I just supposed to put my feelings on the backburner (just like everything else in my life) and just be the supporting role in everyone else’s life, fuck my own life, it’s not about me. “It’s all part of having children” Again, I understand this, but I don’t have a child that I birthed from my vag. I have gone to far lengths to not have one. I knew that when I was getting into this, that little man was going to be an obstacle, but I had no idea it was going to be this hard. I didn’t realize that I wouldn’t be able to spend time with my husband. We fight about little man even when he’s not here. I can’t stand this tension. I can’t deal. I feel completely alone again. We get one night of the way we were, and it goes right back to this. I don’t see much of the man I fell in love with lately. It breaks my heart. I used to feel like I was so special to him, now I’m just another pain in his ass. When I express to him that that’s how I feel, he gets mad and tells me I’m over reacting and that I need to just get over it, in so many words… So what now?
We just can’t seem to talk about little man. Every time I mention that I want to spend a whole weekend, Friday evening, all day Saturday and all day Sunday with him, he gets pissed. “It’s not all about me”… I understand this. HOWEVER I am here and I am in this relationship too. I would love for him to show that he wants weekends with me. He used to. He used to get pissed that we didn’t get to spend quality “us” time. When I try to say anything about it now, he gets pissed. I hate this shit. I want to be able to talk to him about this. I need to be able to talk to him about this. We aren’t going to get very far with me not being able to express myself without him making the assumption that I’m only thinking of me. I need us time. I need him. I need to be able to lean on him and tell him where I’m coming from! When does it get easier? When am I going to be in this family? Why does this have to be so fucking hard? Where do I fit into this? Am I just supposed to put my feelings on the backburner (just like everything else in my life) and just be the supporting role in everyone else’s life, fuck my own life, it’s not about me. “It’s all part of having children” Again, I understand this, but I don’t have a child that I birthed from my vag. I have gone to far lengths to not have one. I knew that when I was getting into this, that little man was going to be an obstacle, but I had no idea it was going to be this hard. I didn’t realize that I wouldn’t be able to spend time with my husband. We fight about little man even when he’s not here. I can’t stand this tension. I can’t deal. I feel completely alone again. We get one night of the way we were, and it goes right back to this. I don’t see much of the man I fell in love with lately. It breaks my heart. I used to feel like I was so special to him, now I’m just another pain in his ass. When I express to him that that’s how I feel, he gets mad and tells me I’m over reacting and that I need to just get over it, in so many words… So what now?
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