Tear.

It's so gloomy outside.

It's rainy

and cold

and icky!!

It's making me feel like Eeyore...

And I miss my Daddy today. I go through these phases where all I want is to be hanging out with my Daddy. I've done this for as long as I've moved away from him. My rents got divorced when I was 12, and we moved here when I was 13, so I miss him a lot. We've grown really close despite the distance. But the past few times we've talked, he's been pissed off at me. He's mad that I quit my job. He thinks that, no matter how miserable, I should be working. I do agree that I should have stuck it out for a little longer until I found something else, but I tend to act upon emotion at times... So, when we talk, all he wants to talk about is if I'm working and remind me how I've fucked up. I know he's not trying to be a dick, because his voice is sweet. I just feel like he's avoiding me lately and I just want my Daddy... {How fucking lame do I sound right now?} I think I may just have to have a heart-to-heart with him and explain that I do understand why he's irritated with me, but I need him right now. Around the holidays, I tend to want to be with him more.

I have always strived to please my Daddy. He has high standards for my little brother and me, and we've both fucked up in one way or another, and Daddy sometimes expresses his disappointment, which kills us. I love that we can be so open with each other, but in the same breath, I just want him to be proud of the accomplishments I have made. Like getting married, being an insta-mommy, not becoming an alcoholic... things that, in my opinion, are just as important as having a career.

I went to massage therapy school when I was 21 and fucked it up royally. I smoked too much weed, drank too much the night before class, and was bouncing from house to house. I finally moved back in with my Momma and got a job and tried to get it right. Well, my school was an hour and a half away and my car was a piece of shit. Work wouldn't give me the hours I needed to go to school, so I did what I do best and gave up. Daddy lent me some $$ to pay for school, so when he asked how school was going and I told him what I did, he was not happy with me, at all. I tried to transfer my hours to a local school and they wouldn't transfer. And the school wouldn't work with me for anything. The local school did everything in their power to help me out, but the old one wouldn't help me. So... I am still trying to pay off my old student loan so I can go back to school.... get my career off the ground.

I don't want anyone to think my Daddy is a monster. He is an amazing man that doesn't realize how much I look up to him, because I've never really told him how much he truly means to me. Maybe I should...

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For one day, try to be 10 times more polite and courteous than usual.

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