I asked why someone would want a child and read this...
She is going to be an amazing Mommy. I forget this aspect of it when I'm caught up in the tangents. When he's my age, we'll laugh about these little fazes he's had.
I'm glad I saw this.
Lies the Internet Told Us
5 years ago
2 comments:
Hi Melissa,
Congrats on your new car! I was reading the post previous to this one and I have an interesting answer for you about having kids. I had mine quite late and quite deliberately (just as I didn't have any quite deliberately before that).
While I can't exactly tell you why I finally chose to have children, I can tell you some of the amazing things that make me happy I did.
I had a pretty tough childhood, with bullying both at home and at school being a main part of my development. After I had my first kid (and my second) I found myself at one end of the hallway and my 2 yr old (the older) at the other side. And I was my mom and she was me and all I could thing was, No fucking way am I going to go through this AGAIN, especially not from this vantage point.
Luckily I had really worked on being okay myself in my late teens and early 20s (I had my first at 35) so I could see that my path to improving the situation would involve experts. I put myself in a parenting class and practiced what was being taught until I knew what I could accept and what didn't work for me. I went to the class ready to discuss the ideas from the week before each and every week (including one week where my 2 yr old BIT my 7 month old ... the theory of dealing with that one was pretty much non-intervention!!! Which surprisingly and shockingly turned out to be quite effective in the long run of dealing with sibling issues, even if it is totally freaking counter-intuitive).
In a big way, learning to parent a different way than I had been parented (therefore not parenting by default) has healed me in ways I could never have imagined. It may be selfish for me to gain such an amazing gift from having children, but I didn't look for it so ... it is what it is.
There are days when I parent in ways I don't feel good about, don't get me wrong. But I own up to my mistakes and teach my kids that making them is human. I hope that I earn more respect from my kids for my approach than my parents get from me ... I am estranged from my dad and will likely never connect with him again as he is unlikely to change and I am unlikely to allow his narcissistic ways to touch me again.
Anyway, I am not telling you any of this as criticism of what you've written so if you've heard it like that I want to make it clear that I have seen, through your writing, that there exists nothing for me to criticise. I've never step-parented anyone and I think it would be quite a challenge. I find taking someone else's kid for the day really difficult as I am not a major influence and their parents expectations are different than mine. I would imagine that, to a certain degree, step-parenting would be like this, only a true commitment. I mean, I can choose to not have my kids' friends to playdates if it made me too crazy, right?!
ps. That post, about being a mom, was awesome! She can really write, eh?! While I don't have many memories like hers, I certainly want to make sure that my kids have yummy ones of their own. Thanks for the inspiration.
(insert blowing kisses here)
Karen, I loved what you said. It made me smile, laugh, and nod my head in complete agreement. I wish I knew you in person so we could have coffee (or a pitcher of beer) and chat. I love your feedback! Thank you. =)
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